Mission: Pimp My Hikari
by LeoOsaka Bakura's stalker
Summary: Ryou Bakura, fashionably inept and unaware. Enter Yami Bakura, Malik and Yami Marik, on the scene to fix Ryou's problem. But Ryou's not sure if this is a good thing or not!
1. The Subject

_Leo: It's a little mini-fic, but it was a fun idea that was brought up during one of my long running interactive fics: "Mail from the Fans" and I thought that, you know, I think that would be a funny little piece all on it's own. That and I haven't written for Yuugioh in a long time. So here we go! Let's all watch Bakura pretend to know anything about Fashion! Since this is a short stupid fic, I don't feel bad about posting it without having finished other stories!  
_

**Mission: Pimp my Hikari**

Part 1 – The Subject

Ryou was sitting on the sofa. It was a calm Saturday afternoon. School had released not that long ago and now he was on a short vacation. He was thankful for the break after the last two weeks of long term papers and exams. Teachers could wear out anyone; and if that wasn't bad enough, Bakura was being a natural pain in whatever ass he could find that was soft enough and easiest to target. Gluing Yugi to a telephone pole on a movie outing was a perfect example. Naturally he had to beg Yami to allow Bakura back into the normal world, after the pharaoh had sent him off to his second home in the shadow realm, where he was likely to have gotten a welcoming home party from his monsters.

Satellite sucked. Ryou grimaced as he watched overweight celebrities try to compete to lose weight. 'And they call this reality', Ryou thought flipping another channel. If VH1 wouldn't give him anything he knew MTV was a bad choice. After all, everyone knows that MTV doesn't have music on it anymore. Just as he changed the channel to the VH1 Classic channel, he heard the door slam and three voices echoing through the doorway at the front door. He distinctively heard Bakura's and Marik's voices, left only to assume that the final one was Malik.

Ryou sighed. He was hoping they would trot up stairs and do what they normally did: get on his computer and harass poor emos on myspace. But instead Bakura leapt over the back of the sofa and slid into the empty spot next to his hikari and swiftly took the remote.

"Hikari, what are you watching? Now I would have respected you if it was like Phil Collins or something, but U2? Oh come on, Bono is such a douche."

"How charming, yami." Ryou sighed and continued doodling on the empty sheet of paper on his clipboard that he'd set beside him, while he was searching for appropriate music.

"Hey it could be worse." Malik added leaning against the back of the chair; modestly amused at Marik, who was already in the kitchen and doing a treasure search in the refrigerator.

"How so?" Bakura flipped channels. "Hey they're doing a documentary on Nsync on E TV."

"Well for starters, it could be Nsync."

"Hey, don't sass me, I wasn't going to watch it. Nsync is better than the alternative though."

"Which is?" Ryou asked, giving up on getting out of the conversation.

"It could be MCR."

"You know, if you said that in public the fans would have your heart ripped out, a hot iron rod shoved up your ass, your eye balls forked out with sporks, your fingernails forcibly ripped off with rusty pliers, then you would be ritualistically flogged to death with a two by four adorned in seven rusty nails, one representing each stage of hell." Marik said casually walking back into the living room with a Sprite and a handful of cookies.

"I'll take being drawn and quartered, thank you very much." Bakura snorted. "So hikari how was your day?" Bakura turned to Ryou.

Ryou eyed him with suspicion, "What are you planning?"

Bakura feigned a shocked and hurt expression, "What do you mean? I would never do anything that might be considered plotting, conniving, secretive or heinous!"

"You should be thankful god doesn't actually strike people down for lying."

"Okay, well, I got this idea. You see, ever since I've met you, Ryou, you've always struck me as the sort of person who has no ability to see just how dorky you look in the clothes you choose to wear. For instance, that sweater during Duelist Kingdom, and then that tacky striped shirt—which I've burned and released into the ocean in case you were wondering—at Battle City. So I was talking to Marik and Malik here and we've decided to begin Mission: Ryou!"

"Which is?" Ryou gulped, not liking where this was going.

"Well it better translates into; Mission: Pimp My Hikari."

Bakura stood up and circled around Ryou and stopped once he was near the armrest of Ryou's side. He kneeled to eye level and gave him a look that translated into: 'please, hikari? I'll love you forever if you go along with us, and if you don't I promise I'll chew up all the upholstery in this house'. Ryou sighed. There was no getting out of it when Bakura gave that look, because sure as the sky was blue, Bakura would eat up the upholstery. In fact, he'd done it before. He bitched about it the whole time, but he did it nonetheless.

"Fine Bakura. I'll do whatever it is you want me to do. First you have to explain to me what 'Pimp my hikari means'."

"Okay! Well you see. We're going to forcibly drag you into a clothing store that doesn't have clothes that your grandparent would think is stylish. Malik has better fashion knowledge than Marik and I do. Since Marik is just a dumb ass and I'm over three thousand years old and legitimately fashion dumb."

"If you're fashion dumb, then why are you making me do this?" Ryou crossed his arms. He wasn't getting up just yet. He was hoping their attentions spans were as long as their brainwaves.

"Because, despite being fashion illiterate, I've managed to dress myself in a style that won't get my ass kicked just for living."

Marik whistled, "Man, if Bakura can accomplish that and you can't, then you must have some horrible taste there, Ryou."

"Oh, like you are one to talk!" Ryou poked the slightly frightening looking individual in the exposed abdomen. Marik wasn't scary as a person. It was really just his hair that terrified Ryou. In fact the boy could vividly remember having nightmares about it many times after battle city. Hell, for what it was worth he could remember times where he'd overheard Bakura mumbling about the terrifying 'monster' which turned out to be Marik's hair in duel monster form.

"Come on Ryou. The day is young and I stole Seto's checkbook so we've got a lot to do before the day is done!" Bakura said with about as much enthusiasm as a person like him can muster.

"Wait, you stole Seto's checkbook?!" Ryou yelped in protest against Bakura. The silver haired thief pulled Ryou by the arm and toward the door, with help from Marik.

"Well technically he knew about it." Malik added with a cheerful smile that worried Ryou.

"What does that mean?"

"Oh, well I told him I was stealing it." Bakura replied, opening the front door and coaxing Ryou out, while at the same time preparing to lock the door.

"And he let you?"

"Kaiba said: 'okay, but you owe me Bakura, and be sure to forge the signature correctly this time'. I'm still not sure what he means by Bakura owing him though." Marik shrugged. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him in the long run.

"Ah, it's probably no big deal. Nothing a sexual favor or two wouldn't take care of," Bakura waved it off. He turned toward the three waiting for him to descend the steps in front of the door after locking up. They stared at him with horrified looks. "Oh damn guys, I'm kidding. Of course…if he's willing to give me access to his bank accounts for a blow job…"

"No! Just no!" Marik covered his ears.

"Pansy." Bakura snorted, grabbing the scarier yami's shirt and dragging him along with them toward the Plaza. They were lucky to live close to a Plaza. It was a great shopping district and not too expensive either, but now they didn't need to worry about that. They had money to work with thanks to the ever so willing donation of Mr. Kaiba. Mission: Pimp My Hikari was under way!

**To be Continued... **

* * *

_Leo: I'm breaking it down into sections, because this story is too stupid for large doses all at once._


	2. The Hair

**Mission: Pimp My Hikari**

Part 2 – The Hair

"Okay Ryou, because emo-ism is on the rise, we thought we'd take you in an opposite direction." Bakura stated as they walked into a standard store that bore no name of immediate recognition. "I don't want you to look like you cut yourself or anything, but it would be cool if you looked less wimpy. I don't want to have to resist this urge to beat you up anymore."

"Yami, the only threatening thing you've ever done to me is shred my curtains and gnaw on furniture, which is so not frightening." The silver haired hikari folded his arms and looked around with disinterest. He knew it was pointless to look or say anything. If he liked something Bakura was sure to tell him it looked like his usual attire: ugly.

So he wasn't the best in fashion. He blamed it on the simple fact that he had no one to help educate him. Losing his sister and his mother, then moving school, and finally having his dad leave for Egypt left him with no family to fall back on. It was hard to make friends with people when he'd first moved to domino, because Bakura made damn sure that Ryou's new 'friends' didn't linger longer than their welcome. Though sometimes the hikari didn't mind the idea that his cruelest bullies were now little wooden figures accompanying his Monster World game, all thanks to his psychopath of a darker half. Bakura was like a cancer tumor. A recurring one too, since the pharaoh's attempt at shadow realm chemotherapy failed every time. But after all that time, Ryou had actually gotten use to the crazy other half that was now separated from him thanks to the crazy magic of the millennium items.

He could gladly blame Yugi for that. Apparently the goal had been to send the spirits back to their own time and memories, but a misfortunate screw up landed them in resurrected bodies and slightly more sound minds. Well, as sound a mind as Bakura could ever show. There's no fixing a crazy of that magnitude. Of course he was rather lucky, considering Malik wound up with his darker half separated. Marik wasn't even a spirit, just Malik's crazy split personality. Or course, Ryou always considered the idea that it was the Millennium Rod that brought that about anyway. So maybe he was a separate person from Malik. No one really knew.

"Ryou! Earth to Ryou!" Bakura's voice snapped Ryou out of his daze and he shook his head.

"Hmm? I wasn't paying attention."

"I noticed. Well, we're picking out hair products now, pay attention!"

"Don't whine yami, it's unfitting."

"I'm not whining!" Bakura whined, just to be spiteful.

"Ooh, hey Bakura! How about this one! It says it'll restore damage and make hair shiny and softer." Malik waved a bottle of some sort of shampoo in front of the two.

"I've tried that stuff. I ended up with Marik hair. If I weren't mortal I'd have killed myself the moment I saw my hair. Instead I think I just fainted…" Bakura commented, while patting Marik on the arm in sympathy. He wasn't going to risk patting Marik on the head. He didn't want his arm to get bitten or something.

"Oh shut up Bakura, at least I don't look like I have bats nesting in my hair!"

"They're albino bats! And I think yours is worse! I'll take my bats to your satanic spawns of hell any day!"

"Hey you two, stop it!" Malik growled in a territorial way. They all knew Malik was in charge as far as shopping of any kind had gone. "This one sounds promising!" He held out the bottle to Bakura, who pulled Ryou closer to get in on the 'action'.

"'Mango Flurry Flush?' Is this for real?"

"It's that or Triple Berry Smoothie."

"Can't we get some of that Herbal Essence stuff?" Marik leaned against a display with his arms folded. His attention was divided between shampoos and the large cage of bouncy balls in the store across the way.

"You just want to hear Ryou in the shower going: 'OOOhhh yes, yesss YESSS!'" Bakura mimicked the commercial in a very loud and heavy voice, making certain to run his hands through his hair like a person who was seriously getting off on his or her shampoo.

"Bakura!" Ryou shrieked and Malik giggled. The immaturity of teenagers, especially these teenagers, made Ryou wish he could curl up into a ball and lock himself in a box.

"What? Oh come on hikari, like anyone would think I were over here getting frisky with myself…Of course, it's not absolutely unheard of for me."

"Ahem." Marik coughed and discreetly pointed to a guy in a wheel chair veering over a small display of socks. The man's glasses were close to his face and an eyebrow was raised.

"Oh…eh. Anyway," Bakura coughed, feigning embarrassment.

Ryou rolled his eyes and stepped closer to Malik. If Malik was the brains of the 'operation', then he needed to be closer to him, other wise the stupidity of the other two would smother him and effectively lower his own brain cell count. "So what do you suggest, Malik?"

"I'd go with a hydrating formula, like Nexxus. As far as any conditioner—if you think you need it—then you should try Infusium23. It'll do wonders for you."

Bakura rolled his eyes to Marik, "Girls I tell you."

"Hey hikari," Marik smirked and pulled on the slightly more normal teens pants. "These are pants. They go on men. Act like one?"

"Oh blow me, Marik. You guys wanted to pimp Ryou!"

"But not at the sake of losing one hikari in exchange for another!" Marik pouted.

"Hey I had Ryou before you had Malik, so it's only fair that Ryou gets some pimp time."

"Pimp time?" Ryou coughed and blinked at Malik who only shrugged a response. Neither of them even wanted to dare try and understand what was going on in the minds of both yamis. After all, it's hard to understand perpetual blankness in thinking form. It would be like trying to understand annoying in Anzu form. You know it's there…and you know it's bad, but you just can't quite comprehend such a dense quantity. It's mentally painful and just a waste of time as far as Ryou was concerned.

"Maybe we should dye your hair." Bakura said suddenly, and he pawed Ryou's softer locks. "If it were black you'd look like you had razor blades taped to your wrists for when no one's looking, but if it were blonde you'd look even more hittable. Maybe brown?" He pondered and looked over at Marik for some sort of approval, as if Ryou had no choice in any of it. Which, really, he didn't.

"Hmm…then he'd look like some kid in a band." A long pause. "I like it!"

"Wait, by some kid in a band, you mean like 80's Rock band? Or like Pansy Good Charlotte kinda band?"

"80's Rock, and man you need to watch how loud you scrutinize music bands."

"That's music?!" Bakura wowed at the though and Marik only put his head in his hand. If there were any death Bakura was going to come by, it would be death by obsessive music band fan. For even he knew there was no force greater than a hyperactive preteen band stalker. Except maybe a bad poetry writer, but Marik didn't even want to think about how hysterical that one person had gotten when Bakura told them that 'shit had higher ranking in the writing department'. Bakura loved myspace for reasons like that.

"You're not dying my hair!"

"How about highlights?"

"…Bakura….I have white hair. White. When you've discovered a 'highlight' for white I want to be the first person you tell so I can smack you as hard as I know how."

Bakura stepped back for a second, "Ooh getting saucy Ryou! But you know, even if you smacked me as hard as you knew how, I don't think I would be much threatened by it."

"I can't be much scarier than you think Bakura."

"Oh please, you're like a cotton ball. Soft, fluffy and great for Christmas projects!"

"…What?"

"Say it with me guys!" Bakura said in a singsong voice as he grabbed Malik and Marik on each side of him and together they all join in a singular caroling of: "Cotton ball!"

"I hate all three of you." Ryou folded his arms with a 'humph'.

**To be continued…**


	3. The Clothes

**Mission: Pimp My Hikari**

Part 3 – The Clothes

Ryou silently wished he could grab the clothes display and thrash his yami with it. Instantly he felt bad about it though. As much as Bakura drove him crazy, he was not a violent person. He didn't think he was, but sometimes he proved himself wrong. They'd purchased the hair product, which Malik was now carrying, and they were store hopping for the right attire. He had to wonder what difference switching shampoos would have. Of course looking at Malik he could only imagine how much more healthier his hair must be. 'God, this is so gay.' Ryou shook his hair. Being gay would be one thing, but acting like they just fell out of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was pushing it.

"So what are we looking for?" Ryou asked with an almost meek tone.

"Something tough. Something that screams, "please don't hit me?". I mean it's still a pansy look, but we'll never make you completely badass. You're just…well, you can't fix wimp, that's all I'm saying." Bakura explained looking back at Ryou and failing to see the clothes rack to smacked his face against. "Ow…"

"Really smooth there, stud." Marik cackled pointing at Bakura and not seeing the deliberate foot placed in front of his own by his hikari. Marik took a face dive to the floor and Malik cackled louder than his yami had. He grabbed Ryou and pulled him along with them as they left their clumsy yamis behind.

"They're so uncouth, don't you think?" The Egyptian smiled at Ryou.

"Hikari!"

"Hey, look! I think that's what we're looking for!" Malik suddenly exclaimed and broke out into a run with Ryou being pulled along by the wrist.

"If you weren't our ticket for making Ryou look less British, then I'd thrash you!" Marik growled as soon as Bakura and he managed to catch up with the two.

"I'm not even British!" Ryou crossed his arms.

"You look British, hikari, that's the problem." Bakura explained holding Marik back from chewing Malik's head off, literally. Bakura chewed furniture, and Marik chewed body parts. Take that as you will.

"What's wrong with British people?"

"Everything!" Marik blurted.

"Oh shut up, idiot, I have British friends!" Bakura jabbed his fellow dark in the gut. "I'm just saying that British and you equal large neon 'hit me' sign. Or 'shove me in a lock' or steal my lunch money' or 'sell me on the streets for a buck a shot'."

Marik blinked, "Okay ya lost me on the last one.

"Oh shut it!" The white haired thief smacked the crazy haired tomb keeper on the cheek. He turned his attention casually back to Ryou. "Now how about getting some man pants on you!"

"But these are men's pants damn it!"

"Now hikari, it's rude to curse at people trying to help you!"

"But I'm not curing at you!"

"Yes you are and I don't appreciate the tone! Where are your manners?!"

'Auuuuuugh, manners will be when I shove Marik's head up your ass! See how that works out for you, yami!' Ryou mentally stabbed the voodoo Bakura he kept up there, "Yami, please be reasonable! I've been doing fine all things considered!"

"So you say! Now here, look at these pants," Bakura grabbed a random pair without looking, "They men's….what the fuck are these?"

"Is that a pair of pants or a misconstrued pile of zippers, buckles and chain?" Malik leaned in to look.

"I don't even know…" Bakura held them up and looked at them. "They have a zipper everywhere but the crotch! What kinda shitty seamstress put this mess together?"

"Probably Korean." Marik nodded.

"You mean Chinese?"

"Yeah, what you said. Oh, look it has a zipper pocket on the ass!"

"What the hell would you need that for?"

"Maybe it's a portable shit bag. For crapping on the go, you know?" Marik suggested and Bakura stared at the yami with almost shock at how retarded that idea was. "What? Hey some poor guy may not be able to hold it one day and he'll wish he had a pocket to shit in until he can find a bathroom!"

"You disturb me…but think about it, why wouldn't they do that on the front too? I mean there's no zipper even!"

"They had to market that idea how, because they could only use the zipper pocket on the front for the girls!" Marik nodded.

"…Oh…well I guess that makes sense." Bakura nodded too.

"And like this shirt right here," Marik said, pulling a black shirt with a zipper going horizontally through the middle. "This one has a pocket in case you need to throw up but can't hurl yourself at a garbage can!"

"How innovative!"

"Oh you two are retarded! Marik quite using your brain, or what little there is you have! And Bakura, how can you believe in this guy!? What kinda thief are you?!" Malik scolded.

"Hey come on, let me humor him a little!"

Malik shook his head, "I believe you to be better than that."

"Hey! He poses a half plausible idea! Might as well make use of useless pockets and zippers!"

"It's a style dip shit! Do you know nothing of modern culture at all?! Either of you?"

Marik and Bakura looked at each other and shrugged. Marik spoke for the two of them "Not a damn bit, hikari."

"Well that's clear." Malik turned to Ryou with a sorrowful expression in his violet eyes. He knew how tough it was rearing a stupid yami. His congratulations for Ryou was that Bakura was more intelligently destructive then Marik, who had yet to figure out that the microwave is for food; not animals, foil or firecrackers. Bakura terrorized people on myspace as a hobby. Marik made a hobby out of finding ways to make Malik's kitchen into a giant deathtrap that failed every time. Bakura made people hate themselves and attempt suicide only to fail and wallow in more angst and depression. Marik killed household pets. He honestly didn't know which was worse. Marik killed animals. Bakura could possibly be blamed for the suicide of whiny little emos. Scratch that perhaps Bakura was doing the world a favor.

"Can we just get on with this?" Ryou pleaded. He would rather be at home watching the 'I love the 90s' series on VH1. At least that provided him with some intelligent atmosphere to a degree.

"What's the rush hikari? We've still got to look for clothes, shoes, accessories…"

"Wait, accessories? What accessories do I need?!"

"We're thinking a Tattoo. Or maybe we'll pierce your nose."

"I don't know, lets go for the tongue and the ears."

"Oooh! I know, happy medium! We'll pierce his nipples!"

"I'm so out of here!" Ryou back up and turned away from them, intent on leaving no matter what they tried to pull him back with. If it cost his furniture then so be it. He'd buy beanbags in the future so that it wouldn't be expensive anymore.

"Hikari! Wait, we were kidding, we're not going to make you pierce anything! I don't have any piercings! And Marik doesn't either!" Bakura ran after him, trying to calm the ruffled feathers.

"Not that you know about." Marik scratched the back of his head.

"I could have stood not thinking about that Marik." Bakura shivered. "Now be a good hikari and let's pick out some clothes for you? Please? I've got to at least pull a thousand dollars on Kaiba's account if I'm going to have to give him head."

"Oh! AUGH!" Marik gagged and looked ready to hurl his lunch.

"Heh, that's payback, bitch." He turned back to face his hikari. He would have to pull out the big guns now. "If you stay and let us do this I'll do the dishes for a week!"

Ryou looked at him with a disbelieving scowl. He couldn't readily refuse Bakura if it involved Bakura actually doing the dishes. "Promise me you'll do the dishes?."

"I promise!"

"Promise on your life!"

"I promise on my life!"

"You'd believe him? He's the guy who stabs himself!" Malik snorted.

"Okay fine, promise on the possibility of you ever winning against Yami!"

Bakura gasped, "Hikari that's a cheap shot!"

"Promise."

"Fine! I promise!"

"Okay," Ryou finally conceded. "Let's hurry up, and if you bail out of dishes I'm calling Yami to come and thrash you in a duel monsters game. Because we know you can't beat him."

"…tch, his hair distracts me." Bakura growled looking away with a frown.

**To be Continued…**


	4. The Attire

**Mission: Pimp My Hikari**  
_Part 4 – The Attire_

"Okay, we're not just looking for clothes this time hikari."

"Then what are we looking for yami?"

"We're looking for an attire!" Bakura smirked as if he'd just thought of something genius.

"Okay, then what are we waiting for? I've got a Scrubs marathon I could be watching." Ryou tapped his foot as Malik walked around a clothing stand, shaking his head in disagreement of them all. It was so hard to find anything good in the wide variety of shit cleverly mixed in with what little good there was.

"I don't know what would look best with you, Ryou. I'm thinking you're best suited for dark clothing, but you don't seem to like dark clothing."

"I'm not getting a choice here anyway."

"…Hmm. That is true." Malik nodded pushing clothing in the clothing rack. He saw something move within the circular rack and he turned his head and blinked. 'The hell?' He pushed a large amount of clothing out of the way and shrieked at the creature that jumped out at him giving off animalistic shouts of 'surprise!'. Malik and the creature tumbled to the ground in all the commotion. Malik was still shrieking like a shark had just miraculously hopped out of the clothing rack and decided to make him a snack.

Ryou stepped closer and looked down into the creatures amethyst eyes. "…Yugi?"

"Heya Ryou! I saw Malik and I couldn't resist giving him a little surprise!" The short hikari of the pharaoh grinned.

While Ryou worked to help both Yugi and Malik off the floor, Marik and Bakura looked at each other. Bakura spoke first, "Where there's one…"

"Yugi?" Yami's voice confirmed the suspicion.

"There's the other one." Marik whined. "What are you doing here Pharaoh?!"

"I'm with Yugi, what else? Besides I could ask the same about you and the thief here! Neither of you know anything about shopping. Which is probably why you fail to forge Seto's checks correctly."

"Oh and you can do any better!"

"As a matter of fact, I forge his name quite well."

"Wait, you steal his check books too?" Bakura blinked suddenly feeling very unspecial and…well…cheated on!

"He says that he doesn't spend enough money. I call it charity. Charity or not, who am I to deny free offerings?" Yami said with a smug grin on his face as he revealed a debit card with Kaiba's name signed on the back of it.

"Oh no fair! You get his debit card?!"

"Heh, of course I do. I went through the extra effort to wheedle his pin number out of him, I deserved this card for the effort I went through." Yami replied with a smirk.

"Damn you pharaoh," Bakura shook his fist, "One day I will get the advantage!"

"Dude, if we get his credit card, the pharaoh can't beat that!" Marik nodded.

"What's the difference?" The white haired thief folded his arms.

"Well you don't need a pin number for a credit card, and knowing Kaiba, he's probably got no limit on his cards!"

"Damn!"

"Well both of your are out of luck, because Jounouchi got the credit card." Yami shook his head with a sigh. Naturally his first choice would have been the credit card.

"Jounouchi!? How!?"

"Kaiba said he could have it, if Jounouchi promised to avoid him at all costs. Apparently he was willing to sacrifice some money to get rid of Jou."

"Smart guy." Bakura nodded.

"Are you guys going to help me, or sit and talk about who is scamming Kaiba of his money better?" Malik said with an irritable sigh.

"Actually…"

"No! I was being facetious. Come on, damn it!" Malik pulled both yamis by their hair. Neither of them appreciated the action, but did nothing to stop the hikari. "You're the ones who had the bright idea to do this. So you WILL take part in this!"

"Fine, fine! Just release the hair, Malik!" Bakura whined, gripping at his skull.

Malik released Bakura's hair and the yami straightened himself to try and reclaim his dignity in front of his arch nemesis, known as the pharaoh. He coughed and looked around, but paused, "Wait…what does 'facetious' mean?"

The blonde Egyptian smacked his forehead with his hand, "It means: 'sarcastic', Bakura!"

"What's going on?" Yugi asked, looking up at Malik. Ryou was only shaking his head and looking down at the floor in shame.

"We're going to pimp my hikari!" Bakura answered for Malik, "we were just talking about what kind of attire to get him. We've already deemed the 'emo' style out of the question."

"Mainly because Ryou already gets his ass kicked enough."

"I'm thinking we should avoid making him look Goth too," the thief added, much to the dismay of Marik.

"Aw, why get rid of Goth?"

"Because Goth looks retarded?"

"Oh yeah, yer mom."

"No, YOUR mom."

"No, MY mom!" Marik retorted, trying to trip up the thief.

But it failed, "YOUR mom!"

"…owned…" Marik concluded hanging his head.

Yami only looked at Malik and blinked, "I don't think I want to ask?"

"I don't think you want to ask either."

"Look, I don't think Goth would work for him! After all, if that means he has to wear stuff like this," Bakura said randomly pulling out a pink shirt that said, 'I wear pink, because my black shirts are all dirty', "Then I would rather dress him up in sunflowers and high heels. I mean seriously, I don't give a hell who you are, pink is NOT a man's color!"

"You don't give a hell? I've never heard that one." Malik shrugged, sorting through more clothes, while Yugi tried to comfort Ryou and keep the misfortunate hikari from repeatedly bashing his head against the clothing rack.

"I'm sure you don't want him looking like a scene kid either," the Pharaoh snorted, pulling out a t-shirt that said 'I'm in a band' and grimacing at it.

"Tch, I don't think that's so much 'scene kid' as it is 'poser'. Not to mention the only way that shirt would work on Ryou was if they tagged the word 'boy' in front of 'band'." Bakura snickered at the very idea.

"What about punk?" Malik asked, casually looking at a few other shirts, one of which had a large 1up mushroom on it.

"That's not punk," Marik replied, looking at the Mario shirt. "That's retro."

"Retro? Bah, that's more 90's than anything else." Bakura added.

"Isn't that retro?"

"Damn it…" He gritted, "That _would_ make it retro."

"Man, look at you guys, trying to sound like you know what you're talking about." The pharaoh cackled at the two. "And Mario came out before the 90s."

"He's right…because Super Mario on the Super Nintendo came out in 1990." Malik smirked.

"Oh shut up hikari!" Marik grumbled.

"Oh yeah, yer mom!" Malik grinned.

"No, YOUR mom!"

"No, YOUR mom!"

"No MY mom!"

"No, YOUR mom!"

"…I hate you." Marik crossed his arms and pouted.

"That's what we'll do then." Bakura declared, ignoring the bantering of the other two. "We'll dress Ryou retro!"

"…I don't get a say do I?" Ryou sighed, knowing that it was even pointless to ask.

"Of course not hikari!"

"Damn it."

**To be continued…**

_Leo: I almost feel ashemed of writing this story xD, but if yuo're enjoying it like you guys seem to then it's all good! Thank you for the reviews guys!_**  
**


	5. The Protest

**Mission: pimp My Hikari**   
_Part 5 – The Protest_

"Yami, I don't want to do this anymore." Ryou whined. The instant he saw the shirt of Link with brown hair he wanted out. By any means. That is a travesty to Legend of Zelda and he'd be damned if he let them make him wear it.

"Oh relax hikari. At least I'm not making you wear that shit that Marik is picking out!" Bakura replied.

"Well excuuuuse me, princess." Marik frowned, whacking Bakura in the head with a hanger.

"Honestly, I don't think Link looks so bad with brown hair." Yami commented idly. Some where between the arguing and talk of retro gaming, Yugi and his over achieving yami wound up tagging along.

"This is madness!" Bakura gasped.

"No…this is Sparta!" Marik replied with a stupid grin.

Bakura turned to Marik and punched him twice in the head. One time for each eye. "You're retarded and I'm banning you from the movie theater!"

"Says the guy who builds Gundam models and has a Hello Kitty key ring." The pharaoh quipped.

"Shut your face, damn you! I built one Gundam model and you know what? It was _pimp_! And Ryou gave me the key ring…so I had to keep it." He nodded, like it made perfect sense to him.

"How sweet, yami…you kept that." Ryou said. It almost sounded heart felt, but Ryou was more or less aggravated and could not be bothered with actual emotions of joy, happiness and surprise at the moment.

"How about this one Ryou? It's classic! I mean you don't get much simpler than a 1up mushroom. And it's green. It'll look good on you."

"Isn't shroom, the slang word for mushrooms? Aren't 'shrooms' the street word for a drug? Why would I want to actually wear a stoner looking t-shirt if I'm not even holding?"

"…Hikari! Where did you learn that?!" Bakura gasped.

"You."

"…Oh…right."

"Well…damn it, you're making this difficult, Ryou!" Marik pouted.

"I don't want to do this!"

"You don't the luxury of choice, hikari." Bakura said with a smile and nod, as if Ryou's chances of talking them out of it were zero. And it was.

"You know, I think you should start with pants." Yami suggested, "I mean…t-shirts take time. At least with retro clothing you can pick like ten random pairs of jeans and it would be acceptable."

"Well if we were just going for acceptable, we'd mug a hobo and consider it street smart." Bakura rolled his eyes.

"Now that's just mean, Bakura." Malik said with a sad face, but there wasn't really much concern behind those devious violet eyes. He was just as bad as his yami was.

"Why don't' we just buy everything, charge it to Kaiba's account and sort it out later?" Yami tried another suggestion.

"Because, that kills the experience of it," reasoned the thief.

"But it puts a small, but sure dent in Kaiba's fortune."

"So would buying a Yacht."

"…Say…when we're done here…you want to…"

"What size Yacht should we get?"

"Oh, stop that you two." Malik sighed. "Kaiba wouldn't feel it if you bought a Yacht, but neither of you can swim so you'd be screwed if you fell overboard..

"I don't know about the thief here but I can swim!" The pharaoh replied indignantly.

"You cannot, Yami." Yugi shook his head and Ryou joined him for lack of better things to do.

"Traitor."

"Hey, hey, hey! Who said we had to have a Yacht that went in water?!" Bakura crossed his arms as if to say he really thought he was making sense.

"I don't even want to know." Ryou rolled his eye.

"No, I do. Bakura," Malik started, "Explain this one to me, I'm dying to hear how this one works."

"What? A land Yacht? Silly Ishtar. It's a Yacht that goes on land! Instead of a rounded bottom it's flat and it has wheels. What's so crazy about that?! I think a land Yacht it the best idea ever. Like a home on the go." He nodded proudly.

"Hmm…you mean like a Motor Home? Or a Travel Couch…oh! Maybe even a Bus!"

"…You…you…squasher of dreams." Bakura sniffled.

"Oh cry me a river." Malik rolled his eyes.

"Build a bridge." Marik continued.

"And get over it!" Bakura cackled, finishing the lame little saying with a high five to Marik.

"There is no brain activity in this general location is there?" Ryou asked and sighed when Yugi shook his head in a negative fashion. "Why does some god hate me so much? I never did anything wrong."

"Except dress like you do." Marik nodded.

"And act like a pansy." Bakura continued.

"I'm not in on this…but you do kinda let people walk all over you." Yami finished.

"What the hell is wrong with you people!" Ryou whined loudly, ignoring the surprised look from Yugi and Malik at his language. It wasn't nearly as bad as the yamis' languages, but from Ryou it was alarming.

"Just about everything, if you think about it, hikari." Bakura tapped his chin in thought.

"That's the understatement of the year." Marik shrugged.

"Why do we keep you around?" Malik looked at the two with narrowed eyes and slight disbelieve clear in his voice.

"That's the question of the year," Yami snorted.

"Hey! Hello! Pay attention to me!" Ryou finally snapped and waved his arms around, trying to get the attention of the group of attention deficit mental patient runaways. "You have an hour before I up and walk away to go watch mindless TV and turn into a vegetable on my couch!"

"Touchy, touchy, hikari." Bakura shook his head.

"That's it! I'm leaving!" Ryou turned to storm off dramatically but Bakura caught his arm.

"If you cherish your brand new curtains, then don't move, hikari. Of course, if you cooperate then I promise we'll be done soon! I'm doing it for you, Ryou! I don't want you to get hurt because you look like a massive chicken shit."

"Oh, I feel the love, yami."

"I knew you would, hikari!"

**To be continued…  
**

* * *

_Leo: I am shocked at the response for the crazy story. But at least someone's getting some amusement out of this. I aim to please! This isn't going to be a long story, only a few more chapters. IT was originally supposed to be a long one shot, but Leo is lazy. So sue her. _


	6. The Disruption

**Mission: Pimp My Hikari**  
_ Part 6 – The Disruption_

"Some how I'm getting the idea that you're getting annoyed, hikari?"

"The bleeding from my ears didn't tell you that?" Said hikari growled.

Bakura frowned a little, "but we're doing it for you!"

"For me? What have we actually done here?!"

"Actually, we bought shampoo." Bakura replied with a grin, as if he really thought that meant they accomplished something.

"And shit-on-the-go pants!" Marik chirped.

Bakura turned to look at Marik. He blinked slowly and looked down at the hair-crazed psycho, adorned in endless zippers and pockets. "Marik…I have the checkbook…when the hell did you actually 'purchase' those? And why the hell are you wearing them!?"

"I didn't buy them…I changed pants behind one of the clothing racks…"

"Then where are your pants?"

"…Shit…I left them behind…"

"What were you thinking?"

"He wasn't." Everyone else managed a simultaneous response for the white haired thief.

Bakura promptly turned to Ryou, "Now hikari. Why are you being so difficult? Since when have I ever steered you wrong?"

"When I was six you told me it was okay to drink drain cleaner."

"Yes, and I was wrong. But how was I supposed to know you're not supposed to drink certain liquids in this time? Besides, it's not like you did it!"

"Because my dad came in shrieking like a banshee! He still worries about the psychological damage that may have entailed."

"Yeah…but… hey wait a minute…you didn't have the ring when you were six!" Bakura blanched.

"Yes, and this proves how gullible you really are."

"You're mean hikari."

"Guys, are we going to get moving or what?" Malik whined, tugging on Bakura's sleeve. "We've got much to do and you're wasting daylight hours."

"Yeah, and we've got large amounts of cash to spend." Yami added with a nod.

Bakura looked over at the crazy haired pharaoh wearily. Suddenly a thought hit him. "Hey! I just realized! My checks are better than your debit card! If I bounced a check by some crazy chance it would go straight back to Kaiba, not me, but if you don't have sufficient funds, your card can be denied!" Bakura proclaimed gleefully, singing the last word.

"Damn it." Yami snapped his fingers feeling foiled by Bakura's sudden spark of intelligence.

Ryou sighed. He wished something would fall on him and kill him. If not, he would like to at least die on the inside enough to dull the pain of stupidity. Then again, stupidity with these people was strong enough to cut through six foot steel walls. At that moment he felt like his life was spiraling into a miserable pool of irritation and absolute self-hatred brought on by the fact that whatever god existed, hated him with absolution. He looked up at nothing in particular and cursed the supposed invisible being. 'You make me blaspheme against you, god.' He thought.

He looked to Malik, who remained one of the few normal ones. To a certain degree, in any case, "So what are we accomplishing next?"

"Actually, I figured we'd get shoes and get some real pants." Malik rolled his eyes in Marik's direction. He was trying to ignore how often Marik kept sliding the endless amounts of zippers on the pants back and forth.

"Can't we just grab things and go? I mean seriously. I have some serious TV time to get to. I'm already behind, like three hours," the white haired hikari snorted sarcastically.

"Holy hell! Check this shit out!" A loud screeching declaration of adoration resounded through the department. It was Marik. Not one bothered to pay any attention. "No! I'm serious this is freaking sweet!"

Bakura, naturally, was the only one to approach the wild beast. And he did it was caution, so as not to startle it. He knew, deep down inside, that the animal could possibly be territorial. Everyone was aware that creatures without the ability reason tend to charge at those who came close. So the thief stayed alert and watched for signs of irritation.

Actually, in all truth; Bakura walked up to Marik and jacked him with a broom pole.

"Marik, what is so damn amusing that you must shriek across the store?"

"Dude, it's an intercom!"

"So? What's the significance of that?"

"Come on man, get with it!" Marik raised a hand to silence any more questions. He proceeded to press the button mounted on the phone base, attached to the wall. "Hello all store personnel. It is I, God." He stifled a cackle as his voice echoed across the store.

"He's going to get us kicked out." Yami added with what appeared to be nonchalance, as if to say he expected it. Which, in reality, he did…so it really was in nonchalance.

"The sooner the better." Ryou groaned.

"**God? Is that really you?" **A loud man's voice shouted from a distance in the impending silence.

Marik pressed the button again. "Yes, it is I."

"**God, what are you doing in a department store?!**"

"Window shopping."

"Window shopping? That's all you could come up with?" Bakura whispered, "What kind of god window shops?!"

"Shut up, man." Marik flicked Bakura in the head.

"**God…why didn't you listen to my prayers**?"

"I'm afraid I don't remember what they are. There are so many people to listen to every moment. Please do refresh me." The crazed blonde held his nose to keep from snorting into the intercom in amusement.

"**I wanted a vagina!**"

Marik's eyes widened and he pressed the button one last time. "Uh…I gotta go." He released the button and backed away. "You know…that's not fun anymore."

Bakura smacked his hand against his head and grabbed Marik by the arm. "Lets go to shoes. I'm sure anything would be an improvement."

"Dude, I need to find a bathroom…" Marik complained.

"You've got shit on the go pants, Marik. You don't need a bathroom."

"No man, I think I'm going to blow chunks."

Bakura stepped away quickly. "That's your fault for not getting the shirt to go with the pants, damn it! What the hell has got you so sick?"

"It must be pretty bad to make Marik sick…I mean he's sickness in a physical form." Yami folded his arms and everyone nodded with him.

"That voice…"

"The one you were unkindly tricking over the intercom?" Ryou asked, not even vaguely sure of why he didn't take that as the opportunity to flee.

"Yes…I thought I recognized it. I finally placed it and…" He shivered.

"Well, who is it Marik?" Yugi blinked with his unnaturally large eyes.

"I think it was Jounouchi!"

Marik was not the only one left with a case of the shivers.

* * *

**To be Continued…. **

_Leo: To the person who suggested Jounouchi, your wish has some true XDDD Though I'm sure it wasn't in the way you expected!_


	7. The Descent

**Mission: Pimp My Hikari  
**_Part 7- The Descent_

Ryou sighed. He looked down at the floor tiles and counted the squares until he noted that he was thirty five and a half tiles from the exit. The exit to freedom. He was sad, because he knew he could not run thirty five tiles without Bakura dragging him back. He was quick. Bakura was quicker. "Can we go home?"

"No! We're buying you shoes!" Malik declared with something of a grin.

"Define buy?" Bakura asked after a moment.

"Bakura! You're not stealing shoes!" Malik responded, giving him a face that meant seriousness. "We have Kaiba's money to spend!"

"I thought we were buying a Land Boat with that…"

"There's enough money to buy two land boats, Bakura!" Marik added with a little, and slightly disturbing, glint of happiness that Bakura could swear he actually **saw** in Marik's **voice**.

"Then we should buy two land boats! And a sky car!"

"You mean a plane?" Ryou sighed. They were being stupid and he was wondering if it was possible for this to **not** be on purpose. If it wasn't on purpose, he…almost had pity.

"No no no! The one that goes WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH." Marik replied, reading Bakura's mind like his head was transparent, and there was a good chance that the two of them were so far down on the same frequency of retardation that they could talk via CB radio within each other's skulls.

"A Helicopter?" Yugi blinked with his massive eyes, peeking around the corner as Malik pulled some sneakers from the shelf.

"GAH!" Malik jumped, moving back into Yami, turning and giving the same shrill shriek. "Don't do that! You people are frightening upon sudden attack!"

"I didn't attack you though!" Yugi pouted.

"Your hair did…" Bakura snorted, pulling Marik around to help him inspect the shoes that would make his hikari badass. "Combat boooooots~" He sang, closing in on the section like a cat stalking his pray.

"Combat boots?" The pharaoh looked at him questioningly. "What are you trying to make Ryou into? A guerilla soldier?"

"Oh man, do you think we could?" Bakura looked over at Marik with a super grin. "Imagine this, super badass Ryou!"

"Dude, we need to look for some camo pants too! Yes!"

"No! No no no no! I don't want to look like a bully!" Ryou protested and stood behind Yami, knowing that he wasn't much protection, but he was just out of range of the two who were trying to 'toughen' him up. He didn't want to be tough he wanted to stay the way he was. He would learn how to avoid bullies…he didn't need to beat them up.

"Oh come on! Don't be a buzz kill. We can make you actually look cool!"

"I don't wanna look cool!" He cried.

"Too bad! Okay, combat boots. Check. Marik follow me! Back to the pants isle!"

"Pantalones~!"

Marik deftly dodged Bakura's attempt to pop him on the head. He was getting pretty damn good at predicting Bakura's moves. He was feeling pretty proud of himself too, he had never gotten out of Bakura's reach so perfe-

Bakura swing the other fist and popped him in the back of the head. "Dumb ass. Come on!" He continued along, stopping only to blink as he pulled Marik into a clothing alley. "You were right Marik?"

"I was right? Holy hell, what was I right about?"

"You were right about Jounouchi! Look!" Bakura pointed over to the isle with the pants they were looking for and there was, sure enough, Jounouchi, standing there browsing about. "Do you think we should approach him?"

"Heh, maybe we should..." Marik Grinned, looking on. "We can have fun with him. He doesn't know it was us right?"

"Assumingly no. I mean, your god voice doesn't sound anything like you….At all." Bakura drawled sarcastically and looked at the psycho faced Marik.

"Oh shut up!" Marik stuck his tongue out. Bakura took his hand and pulled his tongue. "OW ow ow ow! Tttop!"

"Top? You mean stop? Why Marik, how inconsiderate of you….you didn't even say please!" He snorted, but released the tongue, followed by wiping the saliva on Marik's shirt. "Come on."

The two of them walked casually toward the pants rack. Marik slinked over to Jounouchi and blew air against the boy's neck. Jounouchi let out a grunt that sounded more akin to a squeak.

"What the!?" Jounouchi turned around and Marik turned with him, just out of Jounouchi's view. The blonde's eyes fell on Bakura. "You wanna fight?!"

"I didn't do that." Bakura held up his hands. Watching Marik making faces at Jounouchi, Bakura tossed a boot, counting on Jounouchi ducking. The dumb as did not duck. "What the fuck!? You were supposed to dodge that dumbass!"

Jounouchi growled and whined, "That hurt!"

Bakura sighed. "You really are dumb as a fucking rock. Marik stop smiling. Shouldn't you be acquiring pants for our mission!"

The blonde mutt blinked, rubbing his head. "Mission? What mission?" His eyes narrowed. He was under sudden attack by two crazy---Two?! He turned quickly to see Marik, still in mid face making. "Eh!?"

"Mission, Pimp my Hikari of course." Bakura answered as if such an idea was just completely normal.

"Ya mean Ryou?"

"Yeah. We're trying to make him look in a way that doesn't make us want to immediately hit him upon walking into the room with him. So we're thinking one of several things." Marik explained.

"Actually, we're crossing things off the list…We thought about gothic, but them we realized that's the total opposite effect of making him cool. Then we thought Retro, but Ryou's too much of a book brat to pull off Retro. Actually someone would probably ask him questions and he would be like. 'Eh?' and we would be like 'he's just wearing the clothes bro' and the bully would be like 'what the fuck dawg?' and we would say, 'he was getting picked on for being such a twit', the bully would reply, 'oh, but…this isn't working for him either…because I really kinda wanna beat his ass…can I?' and I would reply simply, 'yeah….go ahead'." He nodded as if it was a prediction of the future (which is probably was).

"…Maybe you're thinking too much into it…"

"What do you mean?" Bakura blinked.

Jounouchi stepped back, he was still uneasy around the two freak shows, but he was friends with Ryou. "Dress him in black jeans and black shirts. With like colored over shirts. You cannot go wrong with black, yo."

"Hmm….I had not considered this. But black would make Ryou look like a ghost!"

"And would most people mess with that?" Marik looked at him, countering his thought and acting as a counselor. It was like a small hierarchy of insanity. Bakura was clearly the almighty king of the crazy and Marik was the royal pain.

"Hmmm…." Bakura thought for a moment. A long moment. "Okay then. Black it is….but…can we at least keep the combat boots?"

"Why?"

"You never know when he'll need to run like hell."

"But aren't we trying to avoid getting him chased?"

"Hey…you can predict bullies…but you can't predict terrorists."

"Oh yeah. We should buy him a gun too…"

"You don't **buy** guns Marik. You **obtain** them."

"Ooooh! Oh man! Can you get me a gun?"

"Depends, are you one of those people that will look into a loaded gun when it jams, and repeatedly pull the trigger?"

"….Are you not supposed to?"

"I didn't say that, I was asking if you would."

"Well of course I would! If something's wrong I wanna see what it is!"

"Then yes. Yes, Marik. I will obtain you a gun."

"SWEET!"

Jounouchi watched, concerned about whether or not these two would last on earth as mortals. He suspected Bakura might…but Marik would probably be his own destruction. Yes…Marik would die first.

"Oh by the way." Marik piped, seeing Jounouchi's stare.

"Eh?"

"I think you would make a wonderful woman. Don't let anyone tell you any different!" He said in a tone that one would almost think was demeaning.

Jounouchi looked at him and his face turned red. "What are you talking about?"

"God only knows." Marik replied, proud when he heard Bakura's snickering.

Ryou sighed and hung his head, pressing his face against the wall.

**To Be Continued….**

**A/N: Not my best work, but it was one of those crackheaded things that just kinda spilled out. I actually just wrote this in the last thirty minutes, so, I'm happy to have done it at all. I've been on a painfully long hiatus from writing because I had lost my writing muse. But I think I've somewhat obtained a little bit of what I had. Which i a shame because I just missed Nanowrimo. Anyway, sorry to anyone who was actually waiting on updates. There won't be much more to this little thing though. Thank you for reading!**


End file.
